It’s strange to return to this place I’ve allowed to lie dormant for nearly a year. Entirely unintentional, but it is so incredibly easy to let writing slip away from you as the days pass and you try to make sense of them.
Many of the conversations I’ve had this past year have centered around finding and making your place. And the lesson I learn over and over again is that things will always look different than you imagined. Different, not better, not worse. That there is no arrival, just the opposite. We occupy this body and our lives, growing and filling spaces as we occupy them, and then, we move forward. That moving forward, is inevitable.
The danger is in defining yourself singularly. In finding your identity in one thing, be it a degree, a person, a place, a job, a bank account balance. Because, regardless of whether or not you are in a place to call these things yours–your life does not begin with their possession.
And you are allowed to try new things. To work jobs you may have no interest in. To pay your loans and cry mirthlessly over your bank account balance. To move back home and try and figure out how the person who first left and the one who’s now arrived have anything in common anymore. This is all still movement, even if it sometimes feels like you never left home to begin with. Ignore the compulsion to compare, because navigating this mapless season looks different for everyone.
A friend of mine put it as “building blocks for the future”. We’re still growing, still learning, still moving forward, just in a less defined way. Exist in the day-to-day, put no pressure on the future other than knowing it will someday be here, looking different than expected but still inhabitable, and maybe even more than you planned for.